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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26262541">in spiraling circles</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/aretes/pseuds/aretes'>aretes</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>SEVENTEEN (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Denial of Feelings, M/M, Minor Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Yoon Jeonghan, Non-Linear Narrative, Pining, Self-Doubt, Soulmates, a little bit of magic, and physics, bc time is wonky</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 04:28:59</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,004</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26262541</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/aretes/pseuds/aretes</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>For as long as he can remember, Minghao has been running in circles.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kim Mingyu/Xu Ming Hao | The8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>6</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>The Gyuhao Exhibit 2020: Snap Shoot</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>in spiraling circles</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>quick disclaimer: the theories of time are not scientifically accurate bc 1) magic and 2) i'm allergic to physics but other than that, enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was a bad idea to come. Surrounded by the multicolored fluorescent lights and the cacophony of murmurs, Minghao almost feels as helpless as he did back in college, like a leaf wavering in the wind, desperately clinging onto a twig.</p><p>But there are still differences, he reminds himself, there always are, even with Junhui’s theories. There are differences in how there’s no music threatening to rupture Minghao’s eardrums, only soft pop playing underneath the chatter of the crowd. There are differences in how the wine glasses outnumber the red solo cups, although the amount of shot glasses hasn’t changed. And there are differences in how Minghao carries himself, chin up and shoulders back to hold up the coat that used to swallow his slender frame.</p><p>“And then the bitch threatened to fire me!” Yeri exclaims loudly, pulling Minghao back to the conversation. The small group he’s placed himself in gasps and tutters their disapproval.</p><p>“Honey, you should just quit!” Wendy urges. Minghao resists the urge to roll his eyes. He’d been wanting to say the same thing since Yeri had started ranting about her job.</p><p>“I know, I know.” Yeri sighs, before perking up quickly. “Shots all around! Fuck capitalism!”</p><p>Minghao actually does roll his eyes this time. <em> Fuck capitalism </em>, they say, then they all go right back to climbing the corporate ladder once Monday rolls around.</p><p>A glass is pressed into his hand and he indulges them, clinking his glass in the center before tossing the clear liquid over his shoulder.</p><p>“What the hell?”</p><p>Minghao turns around.</p><p>A tall Asian boy with chestnut brown hair gapes back at him, left shoulder drenched in Minghao’s vodka. He’s immediately handsome, with big eyes and strong features placed carefully on a small face, broad frame filling out his white shirt.</p><p>Before he knows what he’s doing, Minghao stands up from the couch he’d been leaning against. “There you are, I’ve been looking for you,” he blurts out. His mind is whirling but somehow his body knows to wrap a hand around the stranger’s wrist and incline his head in goodbye towards Yeri’s group.</p><p>The boy goes along easily and Minghao flushes as he marches towards the door, wondering if the boy is mocking him when he could’ve easily resisted, given the several inches in both height and width that he has on Minghao.</p><p>Minghao steps out into the hallway, door clicking shut behind them. He releases the boy’s wrist almost immediately, confidence melting away under the unfiltered white lights as suddenly as it had appeared under the dimly colored ones. </p><p>But the unforgiving glare makes the stranger’s features even more striking - he looks carved out of stone, all hard planes and sharp angles, cast with bronzed skin and starry eyes. </p><p>Minghao knew it was a bad idea to come. Shoving his hands into the deep pockets of his coat, he turns to leave. </p><p>“Wait, where are you going?” The boy calls. “Didn’t you need to talk to me or something?”</p><p>Minghao turns around, incredulous. They stare at each other in the silent hallway. </p><p>An eternity later, Minghao huffs out a laugh, tension wiped from his posture. “Well, why aren’t you following then?”</p><p> </p><p>Minghao doesn’t know what he’s doing. After they’d left the apartment building, his feet had taken him towards the nearest subway station, and by some miracle, the boy had followed along, no questions asked. And now they were standing on the empty platform, waiting for the next train. </p><p>“Aren’t you going to ask me where we’re going?” Minghao says into the silence.</p><p>“I- well, I guess.” The boy scratches his head. “Where are we going?”</p><p>“I don’t know.” Minghao says honestly.</p><p>He wraps his coat a little tighter around himself. When he had felt that tug earlier in the afternoon, Minghao had been so sure that it would mean something, that he was ready now. Junhui always said that the universe was always calling, you just had to listen, but Minghao wasn’t Junhui. Not even close.</p><p>“So um, what’s your name?”</p><p>Minghao turns to look slowly at the boy, staring at him long enough to make anyone else uncomfortable, but the boy only tries for a smile. Unbelievable.</p><p>“Aren’t you afraid I’m going to murder you or something?” Minghao finally says.</p><p>The boy rocks on the balls of his feet, considering. “Well, you said you didn’t know where we were going and I feel like a murderer would have a plan.”</p><p>Irritated by the stranger’s insult and more so by his naivety, Minghao crosses his arms and turns back to glare at the empty rails.</p><p>“Minghao.” He says after a while. </p><p>“What?”</p><p>“That’s my name.”</p><p>“Oh.” The boy says. “Nice to meet you, Minghao. My name is Min-”</p><p>“Mingyu.” Minghao says, surprising them both. </p><p>Mingyu stares at him with wide eyes. “How did you know that?”</p><p>Minghao shrugs, pushing down the icy chill of suspicion that creeps up his spine. The tell-tale rumbling of an incoming train echoes through the tunnel. “I don’t know. But I have a plan now.”</p><p> </p><p>“I found him a room.”</p><p>Minghao pulls his gaze away from the black and white cityscape outside to the warm browns of the wooden bookshelves. Dressed in one of the many soft sweaters that Minghao had come to associate with him, Junhui curls up in the window seat, facing Minghao in his armchair. Junhui had always had a knack for locating Minghao among the endless floors and shelves of his library.</p><p>“Thanks.”</p><p>Junhui is patient as usual, just watches him and waits for Minghao to speak when he’s ready.</p><p>And Minghao most definitely isn’t ready, but he speaks anyway, mind too muddled to think. “I’m going to go for a trip. Tomorrow.”</p><p>Junhui only raises an eyebrow. </p><p>“Don’t look at me like that,” Minghao says, irritated.</p><p>Junhui leans back against the wooden wall. “He’s going to ask for you.”</p><p>Minghao ignores the twinge in his chest. “You can teach him.” </p><p>“You didn’t bring him here for me to teach him.” Junhui says calmly, as if it’s a fact.</p><p>“What do you think I brought him here for then?”</p><p>“I’m not going to answer that for you, Minghao.”</p><p>Minghao crosses his arms protectively. “Well, teach him for now. Please.”</p><p>Junhui nods, agreeing. “And you will return soon?”</p><p>“Yes.” Minghao stands up, smoothing out his shirt, as if the tendrils of guilt creeping up his shoulders could be brushed off like wrinkles. </p><p>Junhui of all people should know how subjective soon is.</p><p>***</p><p>Minghao felt his first tug when he was a bright-eyed college freshman, filled with relief from escaping the orphanage and hope for new beginnings on this bustling campus.</p><p>He’d accepted every invitation that had come his way, too shy and polite to decline the club flyers that were shoved at him as he walked through campus, or his roommate’s invitation to grab dinner with his older brother’s fraternity. But he’d burned out quickly from being surrounded by so many new faces, and had taken to hiding in one of the university’s many libraries in the evenings to avoid turning down his roommates’ invitations to go out.</p><p>A few weeks later, it was in that very library where he’d been led by a strange compulsion to wander through the towering shelves until he found something, or someone, as he’d later come to realize. It was in that very library where he’d fallen in love with a handsome, soft-spoken boy who spent hours showing Minghao his favorite Romantic poets and it was in that very library where Minghao had broken that boy’s heart and his own a few months later.</p><p>Some people were meant to be loved, unconditionally and without restraint. And some people were not enough, could not love enough for them.</p><p> </p><p>When Junhui sets the tray of tea on the coffee table with a quiet clink, Minghao nearly jumps out of his favorite couch. </p><p>He’s a little miffed that Junhui was able to find him so quickly - over the past few weeks, Minghao had assessed every nook and cranny in the library and he’d been so sure that Junhui wouldn’t think to look for him here, in the sagging couch tucked away in a dark corner. It was why he’d deemed it his favorite. </p><p>“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to frighten you.” Junhui says in that soft, calm way of his. </p><p>Minghao clenches his teeth, shoving down the memories of another soft-spoken boy and indignant at Junhui’s implication that he was <em> frightened </em>. “You didn’t.”</p><p>Junhui turns his gaze on Minghao, unblinking. Minghao hates the way Junhui looks at him, like he can see right through Minghao and read his thoughts. Minghao wouldn’t be surprised if he actually could.</p><p>Junhui offers him a cup of tea, and Minghao takes it reluctantly, unwilling to seem impolite. Minghao hates this most of all: Junhui’s genuine kindness and care for everything that walks this Earth. </p><p>It’s with caring yet piercing eyes that Junhui continues to stare at Minghao, head tilted slightly to the side like one of the stray cats he’s so fond of. Minghao tries to ignore it, focusing on blowing over the top of his cup to cool the piping hot tea. </p><p>When Minghao’s skin begins to crawl with discomfort under Junhui’s attentive gaze, Junhui finally speaks. “Whenever you’re ready, come talk to me.”</p><p>Before Minghao’s shoulders can ride up in defense, before he opens his mouth to demand <em> what is that supposed to mean </em> , <em> is Junhui pitying him? </em> Junhui is already walking away, blending back into the endless shelves.</p><p> </p><p>The second time he felt a tug, Minghao had resisted as long as he could, terrified of what he’d find. But by then he had dropped out of school, had nowhere to go and nothing to lose other than his already-broken heart, so in the end, he had followed. </p><p>In yet another library, Minghao had met yet another boy, but the boy had been Junhui and this time he’d found a home.</p><p>***</p><p>“Minghao?”</p><p>Minghao stiffens, freezing on the narrow spiral staircase. He’d successfully avoided the library’s inhabitants when he’d trudged up the wide marble steps and slipped through the heavy wooden doors last night, but it seemed like his luck had run out.</p><p>“Minghao, you’re back.” Mingyu sets down the book he’d been flipping through and walks towards him, lips curled up in a hesitant smile. </p><p>Nowhere to run now.</p><p>“I am.” Minghao answers stiffly. </p><p>“Where did you go?” Mingyu is turning the corner now, approaching Minghao dangerously quickly.</p><p>Minghao clenches his jaw, hiking up the last two steps before stepping onto the balcony-like floor and leaning against the wooden rail. Thankfully, Mingyu takes the hint and mirrors Minghao’s posture, wrapping his sweater-clad arms around a wooden post.</p><p>It seems that Mingyu has been influenced by Junhui’s love for cozy sweaters. They look good on him, Minghao thinks absentmindedly, softening his chiseled features yet highlighting his broad frame. He belongs here among the books and wooden shelves, more than his appearance would suggest.</p><p>Minghao drags his eyes back up to meet Mingyu’s. When he sees the hope brimming there, an indecipherable, ugly feeling trickles down into Minghao’s stomach. </p><p>“None of your business,” Minghao snaps. “I’m only here to see Junhui.”</p><p>Mingyu curls in on himself, smile falling. “Oh.”</p><p>The silence weighs down on Minghao but he refuses to crumple so he shoves down his inexplicable hurt and crosses his arms protectively.</p><p>“Well,” Mingyu says, smiling weakly. “Junhui went out this morning but he should be back soon.”</p><p>Minghao nods. “Alright.”</p><p>He turns on his heel to continue his climb up the metal stairs. Somehow the sound of his footsteps is worse than the silence.</p><p> </p><p>When Junhui returns, the dark golden glow of the sun is slipping past the skyscrapers. </p><p>Without preamble, he shoves a plastic bag in front of Minghao’s face. “Eat.”</p><p>Minghao sets down his book and peers into the bag with a frown. “Why’d you order kimchi?”</p><p>“Mingyu wanted it.” Junhui settles down in the armchair opposite Minghao, folding his long legs underneath himself.</p><p>“So why aren’t you giving it to Mingyu?”</p><p>“I passed him when I came in. He was going out and he said he wasn’t hungry.” Junhui shrugs, but not without a meaningful glance at Minghao. </p><p>Minghao ignores the implication, just continues to unpack and open the takeout boxes.</p><p>“Strange that the first time he leaves is when you come back.” Junhui says lightly.</p><p>“Well, maybe he hates me.” Minghao stabs his chopstick into the tofu. </p><p>“Is that what you’re choosing to think?”</p><p>Minghao scowls. “It was a joke, Junhui.”</p><p>“And I wasn’t aware you had a sense of humor.” Junhui looks up at him innocently.</p><p>Minghao’s scowl deepens. “I thought I’d get a better welcome than this.”</p><p>“Mingyu gave you the pleasant welcome, but you denied it so why would I try the same approach?”</p><p>Of course Junhui knows. Despite Junhui’s protests that he doesn’t know everything, Minghao is convinced that he at least knows every person that has and will set foot in the library and hears every word spoken between these shelves. </p><p>Minghao lets himself wallow in annoyance before changing the subject. “How much have you taught him?” Time often passed differently here in the library - while Minghao had been out wandering, months could have passed.</p><p>“Oh, just a few things.” Junhui waves his chopsticks stained an alarming shade of orange in the air. “He’s a surprisingly quick learner.”</p><p>For some reason, Minghao isn’t surprised to hear this - the same way he wasn’t surprised to see Mingyu this morning. Even from miles and miles away, Minghao had known that Mingyu would choose to stay.</p><p>“I <em> did </em> bring him here for a reason.” Minghao says, oddly pleased.</p><p>Junhui hums thoughtfully. “He’s an interesting one. Not the usual type that would find their way here.”</p><p>Minghao snorts, thinking of how Mingyu had followed him unquestioningly like a lost puppy. No normal person would’ve done that. “No, he belongs here.”</p><p>Junhui sets his chopsticks down and rests his chin on a hand, brow furrowing ever so slightly. He looks at Minghao long enough for Minghao to feel uncomfortable under his gaze.</p><p>Minghao shifts in his armchair</p><p>“There’s something you’re not telling me, Minghao.”</p><p>Minghao rolls his eyes. “There’s no point in telling you something that you could easily find out without my help.”</p><p>“It hasn’t told me. And it won’t.”</p><p>Minghao’s chopsticks pause in midair. How could Junhui not know? He was much more sensitive to the beckonings of the cosmos than Minghao was, and the tug that had led Minghao to that apartment had been so strong.</p><p>“Whatever is happening, Minghao, is solely between you, Mingyu, and the cosmos.”</p><p> </p><p>After tossing and turning fretfully in his bed last night, Minghao’s guilt about his rude behavior to Mingyu had won over his steadily growing apprehension about the boy. If Junhui was telling the truth - and he always was, to Minghao’s frequent dismay - then “the cosmos” was giving Minghao no choice but to figure this out by himself: no more relying on Junhui’s overheard whispers.</p><p>So Minghao had reluctantly dragged his feet down the narrow steps and was now standing outside the door to the library’s makeshift dining space, eavesdropping on Mingyu and Junhui’s conversation.</p><p>Mingyu’s cheerfulness seemed to be perpetual: despite the early hour, he chattered happily about the book he was reading and listened raptly to Junhui’s rundown of his newest cuisine discoveries. Having sat through many of Junhui’s lengthy, overly excited reviews of the city’s dining spots, Minghao was begrudgingly impressed by Mingyu’s genuine interest.</p><p>“And I tried the sushi place near the state university, you know where that is?”</p><p>“Oh yeah, I used to go there a lot when I was in school, it was quite good.”</p><p>Junhui nods approvingly. “A solid eight out of ten, I would say.” He takes a sip of tea before leaning forward. “You went to the state uni then? What did you study?”</p><p>“Physics,” Mingyu says through a mouthful of food. “Specialization in materials.”</p><p>Minghao counters the mental image of Mingyu in a long white coat with his current open-mouthed chewing as he walks into the room. “So you wouldn’t know anything about time.”</p><p>Mingyu’s eyes widen in surprise when he sees Minghao, but recovers quickly with a smile. “Well, I had to learn the principles, like motion and relativity and all that.”</p><p>Minghao rolls his eyes before remembering that he’s trying to make amends. Mingyu doesn’t seem to mind though, continuing “I’ve definitely learned more about time from Junhui than in university though.”</p><p>Minghao takes a seat across from Mingyu, reaching for the bowl of congee Junhui had set out for him. “Oh? And which theory do you think is the truth?”</p><p>Mingyu wrinkles his nose. It makes him look cute despite his size. “I think they all make sense depending on which lens you’re looking through, but the spiral theory is quite interesting. I’ve never heard it before.”</p><p>“That’s the one Minghao likes.” Junhui supplies, smiling innocently at Minghao’s glare.</p><p>“Oh really?” Mingyu’s eyes light up. “Why do you like it?”</p><p>Minghao picks at his congee, walls instinctively locking into place. He has to ease them down warily before he speaks. “Well, I think history repeats itself,” he starts, “And I feel like I’ve always been running in circles.”</p><p>Mingyu falls unexpectedly silent at that, perhaps sensing that Minghao is straining past his limit. A moment later, though, Junhui strikes up the conversation again and Mingyu is back to his talkative self, but not without glancing at Minghao periodically as if to check if he’s alright.</p><p>Minghao leaves again the next morning.</p><p>***</p><p>For as long as he can remember, Minghao has always been running. But no matter where he runs, he ends up back where he started. To escape the hollowing emptiness of the orphanage, he’d flung himself into the bustling, tumultuous crowds of the university, only to seek refuge between shields of wood and paper again. </p><p>When he tells Junhui this, Junhui only nods sagely. “Time is an interesting thing,” he says, “what do you know about it?”</p><p>Minghao doesn’t know what this has to do with <em> time </em>, but he’s learned to not question Junhui, so he hesitantly rambles about speed, motion, and something about relativity that his physics teacher mentioned. He didn’t understand it then and he doubts he’s making any sense now.</p><p>But Junhui only nods thoughtfully and Minghao watches him with apprehension, ready to bolt if Junhui whips out paper and pen and asks him to calculate the speed and time at which a ball drops.</p><p>Instead, Junhui leans back in his armchair and tucks his legs under himself, a habit that means he’s settling in for a long conversation. Minghao crosses his arms protectively.</p><p>“Well, I suppose we can start from the physics of it all,” Junhui says. “Most physicists today would tell you that there is no absolute time - unlike what Newton thought, time isn’t an independent entity that always moves linearly. Einstein’s theory of relativity supports this when we’re looking at the speed and distance traveled by light, since you always get the same speed even though you could get different values for distance based on, or relative to, where you are.”</p><p>At Minghao’s look of dread though, Junhui smiles. “We don’t have to go into the mathematics of it all, but the idea is that space and time are interrelated, and neither of them are absolute. Because a given event takes place at a certain space and time, it can be described with four coordinates - traditionally we have three to describe space already, and the fourth would be time.”</p><p>“So space and time is just...a blob?” Minghao asks, mind whirling to catch up.</p><p>Junhui nods, pleased. “You can think of it like that. But that is just one theory of time. The other relevant theory is that time is a spiral. Don’t worry, it’s not physics-based,” he says with a wry smile when Minghao scrunches his nose.</p><p>“The common belief that time is linear is because everything in our lives revolves around this assumption. It’s become our truth because this is how we live everyday. During medieval times, however, time had a cyclical quality because their lives relied on the sun’s cycles for daylight, or the rotating seasons for harvest.</p><p>“You’ve probably noticed that there are no clocks in this library.” Minghao nods. He’d been thrown off by that initially, but he’d reasoned that someone like Junhui, who seemed to speak directly to the universe, truly had no need for them, or for the concept of time itself. The library existed in a timeless, almost liminal space between the earthly world and the celestial.</p><p>“Time is not defined in any particular way here. Sometimes years have passed outside between the times I leave these walls, but I have not felt their passage within.</p><p>“For you though, I think time has been defined as a spiral. You are always circling back to similar places and situations - in regards to space-time, no more than one variable is changing at a time, and that variable may not always be time. Nonetheless, you still seem to be moving forward, and the tugs you’ve described…” Junhui trails off, deep in thought. </p><p>Minghao’s mind is also moving a mile a minute, trying to absorb and adjust to all this information. The more he thinks about it though, the more it makes sense. If Junhui is right, it would explain why Minghao was constantly drifting back to the same places, the same situations, the same dilemmas. And his tugs…</p><p>“You think the tugs are pulling me towards the end of this spiral.” Minghao realizes.</p><p>Junhui nods solemnly.</p><p>“W-what would I find there then?” Minghao doesn’t know if he wants to hear Junhui’s answer. He hopes it doesn’t confirm the inkling of suspicion he has.</p><p>“I don’t know.” Junhui squeezes his eyes shut, straining his senses to peer into the cosmos. When he opens them again, he stares straight into Minghao’s soul. “I can’t hear that.”</p><p>***</p><p>Minghao walks slowly along the docks, cold, salty wind blowing his too-long hair out of his face. The emptiness of the small town is comforting in comparison to the city and there are even less people out and about in the streets than there were in summer, the greys of winter dulling even the bright colors of the storefronts. The cheerful yellow cafe still smiles at Minghao though, a bell jiggling merrily as he slips through the door.</p><p>“Minghao, what a pleasant surprise!” A boy in a green apron smiles widely at the sight of Minghao, kind eyes curving into crescents as he steps out from behind the counter to hug Minghao. Minghao lets himself relax into the embrace, resting his head on the other boy’s shoulder.</p><p>Pulling back a moment later, the boy brushes Minghao’s bangs out of his face with a small frown. “Your hair’s gotten too long.”</p><p>“It’s good to see you too, Joshua.” Minghao says with the slightest pout.</p><p>Joshua laughs, walking back behind the counter. “What can I get you? The usual?”</p><p>Minghao nods, taking a seat at the counter as Joshua prepares his green tea. “How have you been?”</p><p>Joshua hums contentedly as he bustles around. “Pretty well, business is good. Jeonghan just left to run errands, but he’ll be back by dinner if you want to stay and say hi.”</p><p>“I actually came to ask you something,” Minghao says.</p><p>“Go for it,” Joshua says, handing Minghao his mug of tea. Minghao follows him to a nearby table and fiddles with the little pot of yellow daisies.</p><p>“How did you know Jeonghan was the one?” Minghao finally asks.</p><p>Despite the way he tries to hide it, Minghao sees how Joshua glances over him with concern before leaning back in his chair to think. He appreciates the gesture, misses it even, compared to Junhui’s blunt honesty and knowing stares.</p><p>“I don’t think I knew that he was the one,” Joshua admits. “If you’re asking about soulmates, I’m not someone who hears that, and neither does Jeonghan.” He laughs. “God, imagine that.”</p><p>Minghao cracks a smile. Jeonghan would be unbearably ridiculous if he even brushed shoulders with the cosmos, though he’d spend even less time answering questions than Junhui and would probably misguide people for his own amusement.</p><p>“Why did you leave then?” Minghao asks.</p><p>Joshua studies him carefully. “Jeonghan made me happier than I had felt in a long time, and you might not believe it with all his teasing, but he accepted me for who I am - and all I know - like it was nothing. For him to take it all and try to understand without having a gift-” Joshua shakes his head in wonder.</p><p>“What about-” Minghao struggles to phrase his question. He can’t imagine receiving that type of love, being able to give it in return. He’s convinced he’ll never know, really, and especially not with the knowledge he now carries, a constant weight on his soul. </p><p>“How do you live a normal life?” He gestures helplessly. “After knowing everything.”</p><p>Joshua leans back in his chair, taking a moment to think before replying. “I thought about that a lot. I still do, actually. I lived in that library for a very long time, almost as long as Junhui I think, although there’s no way to say for sure considering the nature of time.” He chuckles and Minghao smiles wryly.</p><p>“Everything I learned, realized, and experienced there fundamentally shifted my worldview, so of course there was no way to go back to the “normal” life I had before. But even though we have an affinity with the cosmic, what we hear are still suggestions and what we know is ultimately theoretical. It’s our choice that matters, and I chose Jeonghan.”</p><p>Minghao’s heart aches. Despite the walls he’s built and the thorns that have crept up over them, his heart has yet to harden. Tenderness seems to be unchangeable: defensiveness his shield, sharpness his sword, and vulnerability his bane.</p><p>“Are you asking this because you’ve met someone?” Joshua asks gently after a moment.</p><p>Something - perhaps it’s Joshua’s open, kind eyes - causes Minghao to spill out everything, from the tug he’d felt to meeting Mingyu, his magnetic positivity and infinite patience and inexhaustible forgiveness for Minghao, to how Minghao had run away again, and again. </p><p>When he finishes, silence settles over the cafe, interrupted only by the melancholic calls of the seagulls outside. It’s empty out on the streets.</p><p>“Minghao,” Joshua says after a while, “what are you scared of?”</p><p><em> Everything </em> , Minghao wants to scream, <em> everything he has to give and everything I cannot return and everything he will waste on me without blinking an eye and everything I want but don’t deserve.  </em></p><p>
  <em> How everything was leading up to this. How this might be my everything. </em>
</p><p>Minghao is so tired.</p><p>“I think it’s time you stopped running.”</p><p> </p><p>Minghao is thinking about physics when he trudges up the marble steps then the metal stairs of the library. Junhui had taught him that gravity was the attractive force between two objects, weaker further apart and stronger closer together. If physics governed the universe and the universe governed their lives through whispers to those who could hear, Minghao thinks, then the concepts of physics may as well apply to more than one layer of their lives.</p><p>When he was close enough to someone, the cosmos all but ordered him to close the distance. </p><p>Joshua’s words come back to him. <em> If you’re asking about soulmates, I’m not someone who hears that.  </em></p><p>Minghao is about to knock on Junhui’s door when another door a floor below bursts open. Minghao watches over the open balcony as Mingyu walks out with a large black camera in hand, chattering animatedly on a phone.</p><p>Minghao watches, heart rising up towards his throat, as Mingyu laughs loudly with a brilliant smile stretching across his face. Minghao scrambles to back away from the railing, but his boot meets the metal balusters with a resounding clang. </p><p>Mingyu stops to peer up at the source of the sound, a brief look of worry shadowing his face upon seeing Minghao before he’s smiling again, mouthing a <em> welcome back </em> with a friendly wave before he lopes down the metal stairs, excitement radiating from his hurried steps and expressive gestures.</p><p>For some terrible, terrible reason, Minghao’s heart sinks at Mingyu’s apparent happiness.</p><p>***</p><p>It was a bad idea to come, but Minghao doesn’t care. Or he cares too much.</p><p>Among the multicolored fluorescent lights and the cacophony of voices, confusion and frustration wash over Minghao like waves and he gasps for air in the rare moments of clarity.</p><p><em> Why are you here? </em> Someone asks him, or maybe he’s just asking himself.</p><p>He takes another shot of alcohol, swallows it this time, and it burns down his throat. Is that the difference this time?</p><p><em> There are moments in life where you feel an inexplicable sense of clarity, like the Earth has stopped spinning on its axis and you’ve stopped spinning through life. </em>He remembers saying that to someone, but their face swims even when he closes his eyes.</p><p>The darkness is welcoming. An endless black void amidst the chaos and he lets himself drift. But then there’s a million lights again and he’s falling, tumbling rapidly down a tunnel of flickering lights.</p><p><em> Something is going to happen and I am meant to be right here, right now, for it. </em> Minghao flails, reaching out his limbs for a purchase, any purchase. But it’s only darkness and light. <em> Please </em> , he begs, <em> I have to be here, it has to be now. </em></p><p>He thinks he hears someone call out his name. Minghao strains to hear. </p><p>
  <em> Am I here? </em>
</p><p>
  <em> You are. And he is. </em>
</p><p>“Minghao?”</p><p>Hard planes and sharp angles, cast with bronzed skin and starry eyes. Immediately handsome. </p><p><em> But he should be smiling. </em> </p><p>Minghao stretches out his hand, reaches through the stone and thorns, and his blood still runs - still warm and red.</p><p>He smiles, and it’s tender.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>kudos and comments make the author happy :) and /or come talk to me on <a href="https://twitter.com/kyeomdae">twitter</a> or <a href="https://curiouscat.qa/chensdaes">cc</a>!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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